saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
