I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
