Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
