can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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