I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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