im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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