I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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