I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
