omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
