I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
