Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Let's get the cat blown out
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
