Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
she peed on how many people?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
