Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
