then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
