just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize