My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
