Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
