Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
