and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize