Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
