no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
