There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
