apparently the secret to your success is patron
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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