8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
