but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
