And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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