he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
