dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize