We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Please don't give away my fajitas
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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