i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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