mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
