Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
