I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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