That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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