I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
