If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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