I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
