my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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