he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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