my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
