well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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