It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
