i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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