She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
