He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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