its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
