How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
