I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
