My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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