I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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