That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
