I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
