she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
