He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
