What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
