He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
