My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
