I'm so fucking centered right now
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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