No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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