I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
