whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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