Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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