I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
