You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
