he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
