My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
